Friday, July 4, 2014

Repressed Rage

Thanks to a lot of soul searching and book reading, I've learned that I have a lot of repressed rage inside of me. For years I've said "I'm not deeply angry about anything. I've just got a bad habit of letting my temper explode." And I believed it.

For the sake of this blog it's not important to detail what has made me so angry for so long. The problem is what to do with that anger. When you have years of anger that you haven't adequately expressed, it manifests itself in several ways. For one thing, it can make you abrasive. You haven't dealt with the feeling, and it's still there. You're irritable, irascible. You're always on the verge of an outburst. Sometimes you explode in yelling or breaking things. You have difficulty with relationships due to your abrasiveness.

All of these phrases describe me. So I need to step up my anger management game. I have to believe that I can change this. I'll never give up on living a good, rewarding life. I soundly believe that I can, over time and with practice, learn to express my anger in healthy ways. I thoroughly believe that I can express my anger in healthy ways that will smooth out the abrasiveness that keeps my friends at arms length and makes me hard to be around at times.

From what I've read about anger management, there are a number of ways you can apply this energy to things that are productive. For one thing, I plan work out even more. More pull-ups, more pushups. I'm thin and most of my body is totally ripped out already. Maybe I could get all pissed off and do a shit-ton of crunches and get my core in better shape. Maybe I could put some of that anger into strengthening my legs and wrists.

I've got a punching bag, and yesterday I got the mounting bracket and chain for it. All I need is a pair of 16 oz training gloves and I can start working out on that too. I could go out there every day this summer and start hitting the bag and pouring all that rage into it.

But creative work can also be used to express anger. I could begin again writing daily rants about whatever bothers me politically and socially and post them here. I could write stories or songs about angry characters. I could perform them in a really angry way.

Don't get me wrong. I mostly avoid heavy metal music, hardcore, nu-metal, and things like that. That's not what I'm talking about. My approach to music now is as a writer, not as a riffer. I don't have any use for boneheaded riffs.

Besides, shitty metal riffs just don't seem angry enough for the way I feel.