Friday, July 11, 2014

Hangrily Kicking the Shit Out of the Old Me

I'm deeply angry. And I'm ravenously hungry. Seems like there's a correlation here. You could say I'm hangry.

What to do with all that rage and appetite? Increase in size, of course! I've always been scrawny, but that doesn't hafta be permanent. I've been eating tons of food, and I've gained about 5 pounds in the last week.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a couch potato and I'm not interested in becoming overweight. So I've started a new technique where I use the energy that my repressed rage gives me to work out really hard. It feels great! I start off not angry at all. But then I picture people who've done me wrong and stand in front of the mirror with weights in my hands. I bring the anger to the surface and exhale it with every repetition, every pushup and chinup, every kick and punch. I think angry thoughts. When I'm done, I don't feel angry any more, but I do feel very worked out. When I'm done I feel awesome, relaxed, strong, powerful.

I don't want to actually punch anybody out, but I want to feel like I could. I want to feel like I could knock somebody's teeth out if I needed to. My goal is to put on 30 lbs by the end of the year, to get my weight to around 170 lbs, which would be ideal for my height. Plus, I'm focusing on foods and exercises which increase testosterone production and decrease estrogens in the body. Hell yes!

I know I'll achieve it because the anger is always there, it's not going away any time soon, it has deep roots, and I've figured out how to channel it this way. I might as well use it. It gives me a powerful feeling, a fierce feeling, fearsome, ferocious, like I could kick someone's ass, or like I could at least kick the shit out of the old me, the me who complained about his life and didn't do a damn thing about it, who held his anger in rather than using the energy to be productive, the old me who wasn't spirited enough to get all that he wanted out of life. It's possible to harness this energy and use it for self improvement rather than to let it control me, so that's what I'm doing.

Already I feel calmer, less abrasive. I feel as though I am becoming more and more prepared to deal with the people who make me angry in my life, not to just bury my own needs and wants under those of others who have taken advantage of me.

Within a year, this area of my life will be very different. I believe it. I know it. I'm training.