Thursday, April 17, 2014

Like the Waves When You Swim Out Too Far

I've always felt like an an outcast, an outsider. It's partly because I'm androgynous.

Part of me is very male, very masculine, macho even. But in probably equal measure I'm female, feminine. I can't help it. It's how I'm built.

Then a certain person came along and made me feel wholly accepted, just the way I was, for the first time in my life. It was a little more than two weeks and ten years ago, April 2, 2004, to be exact, and it was love at first sight. We were together from the moment we met until Valentine's Day (our 8th wedding anniversary) this year. We had two kids together, who are now 5 and 3. Now we're separated and headed for divorce.

We had a lot of good times, but we also caused each other a lot of pain. We made a lot of mistakes along the way, had a lot of wrong attitudes that precipitated the split. We never seemed to get over the hump of making ends meet so that we could just get on with our life together and have a real plan for making the most of it. We got bogged down in the everyday.

And now she's gone. I'm not confused or in the dark about the how and why all this happened anymore; we've talked it over. I understand it, and I can see how the end of this alliance can actually be better for both of us.

But I'm still stuck with a feeling, a feeling that comes and goes, a feeling that swells to the point of consuming me, like the waves when you swim out too far. It's the worst thing I've ever felt. It's the feeling of being ultimately rejected by the person who had previously made you feel most wanted.

It hurts.