Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Emotional Mastery

You ever get really bent outta shape about something? I mean really upset, like "ranting and raving and carrying on" and all that. Admit it. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Maybe you stubbed your toe getting out of bed in the dark. Maybe some a-hole tried to run you off the road on your half-hour morning commute. Or maybe your boss reamed you just before you clocked out.

You're angry. You're depressed. You're emotionally out of control.

Well folks, I have discovered the secret to freedom from the emotional roller coaster of life. (drum roll) And no, it's not suicide. I call it EMOTIONAL MASTERY. And I will teach it to you for free.

Now folks, I admit, haven't actually mastered EMOTIONAL MASTERY techniques completely yet. In fact, I just invented the system today. The first step is to take charge of your emotional responses to everyday stimuli.

I put this into practice today at work. The basic idea is to choose one emotion and stick to it no matter what happens. Today I chose to respond to everything with PURE ANGER.

At first it was kind of difficult, and I laughed at myself and my perception (erroneous, mind you) of the silliness of it all. But as the day wore on and the heat in the workshop mounted, I allowed my anger to really take over. Soon I was swearing, throwing things, pounding my fists.

Folks, I have to tell you, the technique works! I've managed to stay angry ALL DAY LONG. In fact, I'm still pissed off. I'm getting more and more angry with every word that I type, and I'm about to get violent if you don't stop reading this right now.